Chang: So why are so many people pondering this issue? Well joining us now is therapist Bethany
Marshall and a woman who said she’s been through this herself and lived to write about it, Isabel Gillies, is an actress
and author of infidelity memoir “Happens Every Day”. Thanks for joining us.
Isabel, you said with all the hurt,
all the pain, the first instinct you had was to protect the kids. Clearly Sandra is co-parenting with her husband, how did
you keep the kids about the fray?
Isabel Gillies: Well I mean it’s
crushing and it’s so sad and very painful when it happens but you would have to think about it happing to the whole
family and just an unfortunate thing happening to everyone and I think as sad as it is and as painful, the quickly you start
to think about what can come next, how can we progress, how can we move on so that we can help the children, help our marriage-
if the marriage is going to disintegrate how do we move forward in a positive way.
JC: Isabel, you said that you had no idea, that you didn’t see it coming either?
IG: No, I didn’t and I’m not sure if you are in the marriage with the kids in
your life, your job, that you are really looking for anything other than what to feed them for breakfast.
JC: And you said out on book tour people would say to you “How could not have been known?” what do you say
to the people?
IG: Lots of people are surprised that
you don’t know but if I see a lot of people in these book groups and I say “Well does anybody think that their
husband have cheated on them?” and everybody answers no. So I think it’s just sad and it’s important to
look at both sides of the coin too, and trying to see the other person as a whole.
JC: Well Isabel, you talked about feelings of humiliation, I mean Sandra Bullock is going through this in front of the
whole world, how do you cope with that?
IG: I think humiliation
is a feeling in all the feelings that there are, it’s a complex situation and I think it’s important also when
somebody does something socially unacceptable like an affair, the person whose had the affair happen to them can put a halo
on and say “Oh well you did something really bad”. But I think it’s important for both partners to look
at how they work together if you’re going to move forward, one person can’t be a devil and the other can’t
be an angel.
JC: …Thank you both so much for being here Bethany and Isabel. Clearly the question would linger and continue.
Lessons From Sandra Bullock-Jesse James Scandal
By Luchina Fisher, Suzan
Clarke, and Lee Ferran
March 22, 2010 ; ABC News
Experts Lend Tips for Spotting, Dealing With Infidelity
Sandra Bullock's alleged betrayal by her husband, Jesse James, have stirred compassion for the actress and aroused the interest
and ire of ordinary Americans. When Bullock -- America's
sweetheart -- married the reformed bad boy and tattooed biker in 2005, they appeared to be an unlikely couple, but as the
years passed, their relationship seemed stable and happy. That changed a few weeks ago after tabloid reports that Bullock's
husband reputedly had an affair with Michelle "Bombshell" McGee, a San Diego tattoo
and fetish model who reportedly also worked as a stripper. The reports were stunning, and came less than two weeks after Bullock's
triumphant best actress Oscar win for her role in "The Blind Side." Though Hollywood often seems like the center of the universe for infidelity allegations, the same drama
plays out on a less public scale in homes across the country. But experts say there are ways to sniff out infidelity and,
if it's found, how to deal with it most effectively.
Expert's Clues to Infidelity, What Happens After
According to therapist Bethany Marshall, there can be several clues when one partner may be having an affair.
pattern of selfishness. Does he or she only worry about self-gratification?
*Excessive secretiveness. Does he or she erase
texts from his phone? Screen calls?
*Sudden interest in his or her appearance. Is he or she suddenly working out and losing
*Renewed interest in sex or trying different sexual practices.
Isabel Gillies, an actress
and author of a book on infidelity called "Happens Every Day," said that she had no idea when she was being cheated on. "People
are surprised that you don't know," Gillies said. "But I see a lot of people in these book groups and say 'Does anybody think
that their husbands would cheat on them?' and everybody answers 'no.' It's just sad and it's important to look at both sides
of the coin and try to see the other person as a whole." If there is infidelity, Marshall said
the next step is to determine what kind of problem the relationship is in. "There's three types," she said. "There's the one-time
colossal mistake with an otherwise good guy. There's a guy who cannot handle the marital stress. And then there's the guy
who always wants narcissistic gratification." Marriages can survive infidelity, Marshall said, but a few things have to happen first.
* Offending party has to be
sorry. "He [or she] has to be willing to repair the damage by showing remorse," Marshall said.
*Admit the affair and why it happened. "If you can't articulate it, how can
you fix it?" she said.
*The offender must make a plan to fix the problem.
Gillies said repairing
the relationship requires both parties, however. "It's a complex situation," she said. "I think it's important also when somebody
does something that's socially unacceptable like an affair. The person who has had the affair happen to them can sort of put
a halo on and say, 'You did something really bad.' It's important for both partners to look at how they work together. "One
person can't be a devil and the other can't be an angel," she said.